Thursday, October 06, 2005

NFL Week 5

Remember, Browns are my high-school friend Jason Brown and his family, Bills are paper bills saying you owe money and Chargers are devices to provide power to your cell phone and ipod. Also, from this week through Thanksgiving, I will be abandoning the spread and priority point assignation... I’ve taken a leave of absence from my job and therefore the betting pool. It’s all about death in the arena now, kids.

Browns vs. Bears
It’s getting colder here in Chicago, so the Bears are still out foraging. Which means that the Browns are basically helpless in the face of a herd of marauding grizzlies. When they hear trashcans being overturned outside, Jay and Jen go out onto the porch flashlights in hand, to see what the matter might be. Giant claws swat them back into the house, knocking them out cold. The bears come in, lured by the scent honey and wild berry zinger tea, just put up for the night. Litle Jack Brown comes down the stairs looking for mommy to tuck him in and is met by the sight of a giant living teddy bear in his kitchen. With glee he runs toward the bear and is promptly eaten. It doesn’t look much better for Brit. Oh no.

Packers vs. Saints
The saints, in search of food for the hungry, are baited by the smells of cheese and meat, and the great bounty of Wisconsin. The packers are only too happy to feed the saints and give them beer, fattening and intoxicating them before dealing crushing blows with their meathooks.

Buccaneers at Jets
The marauders are confused at first by these great flying galliases, but soon enough they realize that they are boardable as any vessel. Smashing their way into the innards of their opponents, and not having the slightest idea of how to fly them, the bucs set their cutlasses to work, slicing into the control panels, kitchenette, lavatories. The jets lower their cabin pressure, trying to kill the bucs with lack of oxygen. But the pirates escape, jumping from the internally ravaged jets using sailcloth as makeshift parachutes. The jets, having been slashed internally, slip into tailspins.

Rams vs. Seahawks
Here is where territory makes a difference. The seahawks, still making their way south from last week, now find themselves faced with a large mountain range. The higher they fly to clear the mountains, the colder and more lightheaded they become, and they start to fall to the rocky crags below. The rams, unhappy with competition on the food chain, start butting and biting. Because the seahawks are so out of their element, it is very difficult for them to fight back, and those rams are so damn persistent. So off they fly, defeated.

Falcons vs. Patriots
You might give this one to the guys with guns, but you have to remember the muskets are no good at long range... The falcons are able to swoop down at the minutemen from out of the cover of trees and are generally making a mess of things until the pats realize something. Using the tinder from their musket packs they start a forest fire and run. When the smoke fand ash finally clear, there are more than enough charred feathers for the revolutionaries to dclare victory.

Bills vs. Dolphins
Okay. First, dolphins don’t care about money, they care about eating fish. Second, even if they did care about money, they’re smart enough to have figured out a way around bill-paying. Yes, the bills crumple themselves up and try to stick in the sea-mammals’ blowholes, but they’re just spit up, and now they’re wet and smeary, and starting to decompose.

Lions vs. Ravens
King of the Jungle. Loud, mouthy pests. Cats are pretty good at catching birds, and when the birds are coming to you of their own accord, it makes it that much easier. This one’s no contest. Sure the birds are annoying and they get a few pecks in, but the lions are just too good at it. More feathery carnage.

Texans vs. Titans
So the Texans, overwhelmingly outsized by the titans, gather closely, knowing they must defend their homeland. As the titans come rumbling toward them, there are myriad whoops and gunshots and cries of “Remember the Alamo!”
The titans, swatting the bullets like so many mosquitoes, and crushing the Texans underfoot, say, “We do. You lost.”

Colts at 49ers
The 49ers use carrots to lure the lil’ horsies into the mines, and set off some dynamite charges, but the colts are just too damn fast. And now the mine is destroyed. The 9ers are pissed now, and start throwing lit sticks of dynamite and pickaxes at the colts, pretty much willy-nilly. The colts are scared, but their fear feeds their speed, and they are able to dodge and weave out of the way of the gold-panners projectiles, biding their time till the old men tire. Which they eventually do. Good thing the horsies loaded up on those carrot-carbs, because here’s a second burst of energy, wich they use to trample as many old bones as possible.

Panthers at Cardinals
More cats catching birds. ‘Nuff said.

Eagles at Cowboys
This one you give to the guys with guns, right away. Seriously, how do you think the American Eagle became endangered in the first place? Fucking cowboys and their guns.

Broncos vs. Redskins
We saw a very similar match two weeks ago, which involved the Indians taking a spirit journey to meet the great horse and being rebuffed, so they did it the old fashioned way, with bows and arrows. Well, that failed, the broncos won. And it seems to me that some horses were just meant to be wild. The redkins are mangled pretty badly by the stampede, and they learn their lesson. Leave the wild horses alone, for love of all that’s holy!

Jaguars vs. Bengals
The battle of the great cats. Locked in mortal combat. In the end, the tigers’ superior strength will carry them. Or the jaguars will emerge victorious. Hard to say. It’s a coin toss. There will be a whole lot of scratching and biting, though

Chargers vs. Steelers
The steelworkers get home and want a beer. Is that so wrong? They’ve been working hard all day, and they want to sit down, watch the game, and drink a cold fucking beer. But no, the fridge is on the blink. And the TV isn’t working. Wait a minute... did the lights just flicker? The fuses seem okay... so what’s the problem? “Too many things plugged into the outlet! Damn kids and their fancy-dan ipods and cellphones.” So, time to unplug nonessentials. ZZZZZZZZCHKKKKK, “GAH! GAAK! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!” Charred bodies fall to the floor, the smell of burnt hair fills the room. “Nonessentials, my ass,” think the chargers.


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