NFL Week 3

New features: The spread is in parentheses (the first team in each match-up is favored), and the priority points I've assigned each match follow the explanations. My picks are underlined. Remember, Bills are paper bills saying you owe money and Chargers are devices to provide power to your cell phone and ipod.

Jets vs. Jaguars (3.5)
I don’t care how fast you are or how many trees you sleep in. A jet is faster and clips those trees with engine-fire. Jaguars, though powerful cats, are no match for these planes in the air... the pressure drop knocks the panthers out, and the jets have their way with the beasts. (2)

Rams vs. Titans (6.5)
The Rams will batter at the ankles of the mythic titans, but will not get far, even with their stubbornness. With bruised ankles, Titanic feet crush the rams where they stand, leaving huge lake-sized footprints where once there were mountains, filled with bones, wool, and broken horns. (5)

Eagles vs. Raiders (8.5)
Finally, a contest the eagles can take. The pirates are no match for the birds of prey on their turf. Though they are used to climbing the rigging of their ships, their cutlasses send them off-balance in the trees, and do not offer enough reach. The national birds swoop and dive, all the while, using talons and beaks to tear at the raiders’ flesh. Some birds will be hurt by flintlock balls, but not enough. (4)

Bengals at Bears (3.5)
This contest will be fought remarkably like last week’s, with the angered bears defending their cave and young ones against a marauding horde of over-confident, unprepared great cats. The tigers will tire of the fighting and go off for a nap, leaving the bears bruised but victorious. Watch out, though... as the weather turns colder, the bears will go off to look for a final meal before hibernation. (14)

Vikings vs. Saints (3.5)
Vikings, at last on home tundra, longboats at the ready will make swift work of the miracle workers. The horde of Nord will go into a mass berserker rage, battle axes and giant maces a-whirling. St George, St Michael and St Jeanne d’Arc, fearsome warriors all, make a valiant stand, but are unable to rally a sufficient army as their numbers are dwindling, due to crises in the south that need humanitarian tending. (8)

Panthers at Dolphins (3.5)
Cats don’t like water. Dolphins are at home. Their squeaky dolphin talk sends the sensitive-eared cats into a vertigo-like fit, and then the sea-mammals go to work: They pick up the sodden, unhappy panthers like so many beach balls, toss them around from bottlenose to bottlenose, all the while grinning that creepy dolphin grin. After batting the cats with their tails and thoroughly humiliating them, the cats skulk off to dry land, licking their wounds. Sad kitties. (10)

Colts vs. Browns (13.5)
Not unsurprisingly, my friends the Browns are not horse people. Jennifer (the mom) is a pig farmer, though, which does give her some insight into the farm-animals’ psyche. They start by trying to corral the colts, imposing order, but the horses’ youthful energy is too overwhelming for this family of four, and with the already near-impossible task of corralling a teenage daughter and a seven-year-old boy, eventually they are worn to the bone, giving the colts a victory. (12)

Bills vs. Falcons (1.5)
Again, falcons don’t care about pieces of paper telling humans how much money they owe. The birds of prey shred the bills and take them up into the trees, to fashion nests. For what it’s worth, the bills do make a nice home for the baby falcons to barf and poop on. (9)

Buccaneers at Packers (3.5)
The battle of the hooks! Even though each packer has two hooks to each pirate’s one, the bucks make up for the loss with their cutlasses, giving them reach on the battlefield. The pack tries hurling livestock at the pirates, a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but because they came in by ship, still docked in the bay, the cannonfire is what ends up giving the bucs the victory. (7)

Seahawks vs. Cardinals (6.5)
Cardinals are going to have problems here, as this is what seahawks were built for, eating smaller birds. Plus, the bright red plumage makes them even easier to pick out against the grey-green of the sea. Redbird down! Redbird down! (3)

Steelers vs. Patriots (3.5)
Because the steelers are at home, they are able to smelt just about anything they need. The patriots, even with muskets and bayonettes, are foiled by steel defenses: shields, walls, you name it. As they try to assail the steel mill, molten ore is poured on the revolutionaries, burning most, but casting a few into steel friezes which they proudly display. No one said the steelers were anti-American! (13)

Cowboys at 49ers (6.5)
This contest is won by whoever’s at home. In this case, the miners secret themselves deep in the earth. The cowboys follow, but without headlamps are blind as bats. Suddenly a tremendous BOOM! cracks the ceiling of the mine shaft, and the walls collapse, crushing the cowboys. The miners, who had been hiding in another hole altogether, are completely safe and sound. And in the process of dynamiting the abandoned shaft into which they lured the gunslingers, discovered a vein of silver, beeyootyful SILvah!! (6)

Chargers vs. Giants (6.5)
So the chargers electricity just isn’t enough to bring down the dumb-as-they-are-big giants. Again with the crushing of the small tech devices into tiny pieces. One day the chargers will confound an actual human opponent, one who refuses to read the manual! But for now, the giants win handily. (1)

Broncos vs. Chiefs (3.5)
The tribal leaders are perhaps the only men on earth able to tame the bucking broncos without resorting to violence. They enlist the help of the shaman, who goes on a spirit-journey and meets with the spirit of the Great Horse. The horse refuses to speak with him, and he comes back empty handed... the chiefs say, “Fuck it. We’ll do this the old fashioned way. Bow and arrow. And tonight the people will sleep in bronco teepees.” And they do. (11)