Sunday, September 18, 2005

NFL Week 2

My picks are underlined

Lions at Bears
This is an age old question in nature – I’ve gone back and forth on this quite a bit. At first I was inclined to give this to the lions – king of the jungle and all that. But upon further reflection, when faced with an equal number of lions and bears, the lions’ speed and fury, i think, would not be quite enough to overcome the bears sheer power, especially when faced with defending their home, and probably young ones. Plus, lions are traditionally a little lazy... not that that’s a bad thing. In winter it’s a different story, what with full bellies and hibernation, but for now, the bears just barely eke this one out.

Ravens at Titans
Easy – ravens. Titans are huge and mythic creatures, don’t get me wrong – many will be defeated by titans, but here, the ravens’ speed and size work to their advantage. Ravens will dart in, tear at flesh and clothing, then out of the way of the titans’ mighty swings, all the while cawing and taunting the titans more and more, till eventually the titans are driven mad by the incessant noise. The ravens then sweep in, plucking the eyes from the exhausted titans’ heads, rendering them blind, ragged, and insane: no way to win a contest of physical prowess.

Buccaneers vs. Bills
This season I am playing the Bills as paper bills that one receives in the mail, like from ComEd. Therefore, the bucs take this easily. Pirates don’t care if they owe you money, silly. They simply tear the bills in half and eat them, proclaiming, “Arrr, ye think ye can get us down with debt? Try again mateys! We eat debt for breakfast!”

Colts vs. Jaguars
Um, this is what jaguars do: eat young four-legged herbivores. The colts may be fast, but a lot of them are going down, and with their still pliable, growing bones, they certainly aren’t doing any damage to the jungle cats. Sorry, horsies.

Bengals vs. Vikings
Vikings are fierce warriors, certainly, and perhaps, if this contest were not held in the Asian Jungle (Bengal tigers protecting their Indian homestead) it might go the other way. Edge to the tigers because their enemy is waaaayyy out of his cold element, is waaayyyy overdressed in furs, and will probably get the runs from the water.

Patriots at Panthers
Pats will be relying on their antiquated muskets; panthers on agility and strength. Panthers will be startled by the very loud noise and smoke produced by the musket fire, and then the minutemen can charge with bayonets and swords. There will be a LOT of gore on the battlefield, but if they’re lucky, the revolutionaries will emerge victorious.

Steelers at Texans
Well, we have a Texan in the white house, and the steel industry, as a result, is in the toilet. This makes the steelers mad. which could be to their advantage, but in the end, they have big hammers and welding irons while the Texans have lassoes and money, and thanks to the NRA, shotguns. Don’t mess with Texas.

Eagles vs. 49ers
Hear me out. If the miners do this right, it’s theirs: They must place some dirty gold in the shallows of the river (eagles stay near water, it’s as easy for them to fish as hunt land prey), the eagles are then lured to the shine of gold beneath the water, thinkng it’s lunch. They are confused when there’s no fish, and the water has been contaminated, making them sick. At this point, the miners attack, swinging pick-axes and throwing lit sticks of dynamite, hoping to find purchase... Yes, they can fly, and they have arrows, too, but Manifest Destiny and the push west is why the American eagle is on the Endangered species list. Sorry guys.

Seahawks vs. Falcons
Coin toss. Birds of similar weight, size and temperament. Edge goes to Seahawks because we are, after all, on the sea.

Cardinals vs. Rams
The cardinals try using the ravens’ strategy (see above), but the rams have ample head protection and are too stubborn to give up. Cardinals, being small birds, are pretty easily winded, and when slowed, the rams batter at them, killing most of the delicate avians in the process. A lot of dead birds on the field. The carnage.

Packers vs. Browns
Unfortunately, my friend Jason Brown and his family, while very sweet people, are just no match for a bunch of drunken, dairy-fed meat-packers with tinter-hooks. Yikes!

Jets vs. Dolphins
While I’m a big fan of the dolphin and his super-human intelligence, the aeroplane has the advantage here. Whether he chooses to incinerate the poor beasts in his engines, drop any matter of ordnance in the dolphins’ pool, or just transport them without water to a dry and remote place, the jet takes this contest.

Broncos vs. Chargers
This season I am playing the Chargers as devices that provide electricity to other devices, such as a cell-phone charger. Therefore, against human enemies, they will often take the day. Animals, especially ones as wild as the famous bucking broncos don’t know from cell-phones. They trample the chargers into tiny little pieces. Sorry, technology.

Chiefs at Raiders
Traditionally, the foreign invaders from the sea win this one. See also: Columbus, with the weapons, armor and let us not forget, smallpox.

Giants vs. Saints
It takes a miracle to fell a giant, and well the saints, they got lots of miracles. With God on their side, they can do it. Sure giants are heathens, and couldn’t care less about God, but they are traditionally killed by smaller, smarter humans (David with the sling, Jack with the beanstalk). The saints’ faith and fervor will carry them to victory, especially now that their home is being taken care of by texans. (Wait a minute!)

Cowboys vs. Redskins
A classic confrontation to be sure. Cowboys traditionally win this one, pushing the Indians out of their homeland, starving them, or just killing them outright. The Indians win in the long run, what with the casinos and taking all the money, but for now, it’s the gunslingers.


Blogger pinky said...

I'm so proud.

11:22 AM  

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