Saturday, October 01, 2005

NFL Week 4

Remember, Bills are paper bills saying you owe money and Chargers are devices to provide power to your cell phone and ipod.

Patriots vs. Chargers (5.5)
The revolutionaries are momentarily stunned when they find they are faced with a number of small plastic bricks. Thinking their opponents will be warhorses, in the name of sportsmanship, they try to clear the green. At this point, the bricks light up, giving each of the patriots a severe electrical shock. Some of the pats recover and try to stab the chargers with bayonettes, achieving the same result as sticking a knife into an electrical socket. Many others are so frighted by the witchcraft inherent in small electrical bricks that they run. Confounded by “Technologickal magicks,” the minutemen are left twitching and the chargers are about to claim victory, when at the last minute, great patriot Ben Franklin arrives with a kite! and a key! And, well, you know the rest. (4)

Jaguars vs. Broncos (3.5)
The broncos are momentarily becalmed when they find themselves in the jungle. “So pretty” they think, as they munch on the mushrooms dotting the jungle floor. The jaguars, biding their time in the trees above, decide it’s time and pounce. It is literally raining cats on the broncos. Cats with big sharp pointy teeth. And claws. The broncos buck, but Mother Nature says, “No amount of bucking will save you, horsies. The carniverous predator wins in a fight with a four-legged herbivore. Stay out of the jungle next time.” (11)

Bengals vs. Texans (9.5)
The Texans on safari in India, with typical American bravado, decide to get out of their H2 and have a walk around. The tour guide, sick of their jingoism, “forgets” to remind them to bring their rifles. He pockets their cash and speeds off in the hummer, leaving the texans a little scared, but, they think, justified in their racism. They walk in the jungle till they find a nice place to rest. One hears a growl... another smells something, (raw meat?)... then they all see the many many many pairs of yellow eyes, peeking through the underbrush. (5)

Colts at Titans (7.5)
The colts are able almost to outrun the thundering Titans. Almost. A whole generation of horsies crushed beneath the toes of ancient Greek gods, bellowing with laughter. Do not let your little ones watch this contest. (6)

Chiefs vs. Eagles (1.5)
The chiefs call a tribal council. Amidst the flaming cinders and smoke of the sacred fire, the eagle dance is performed. One chief dons his tremendous headdress, made with the feathers of every white-headed bird he has sent to the Greater Sky. The eagles swoop down, but are confused by the smoke and the war cries. There is much carnage: Indians with plucked eyes and torn flesh, eagles with broken wings. All the while, silent, solitary Killer of Eagles takes aim, and one by one, does the one thing he has been trained to do. Kill eagles. (7)

Buccaneers vs. Lions (6.5)
The lions do not like it here. First they are surrounded by water. Second the ground keeps pitching and rolling underneath them. Third they are being attacked by loud smelly humans with flintlock pistols and huge curved swords. They are being cut to ribbons. They fight back, maul quite few buccaneers, but there are always more, and they are singing shanties. It is then the great cats realize being king of the jungle does not make you king of the pirate ship. Drinking grog makes you king of the pirate ship. Grog and lion stew. (9)

Giants vs. Rams (3.5)
The rams, unsatisfied with their batter-their-ankles-till-they-fall strategy from last week’s contest with the Titans, try something new. They climb the giants like so many mountains. While many are sacrificed to falls and being swatted like mosquitoes, some are stubborn enough to make it to the top, alighting on the giants’ shoulders. It is at this point that they realize their other plan was probably better. The giants pick the rams off of one another and eat them. (14)

Saints vs. Bills (.5)
Saints are used to living in poverty. “What’s one more unpaid bill? In fact, why can’t we all just live together in peace and harmony, as God’s children, without the evil trappings of money? Fuck money! Love God! Burn the bills! Burn the bills!” And they do. (10)

Redskins vs. Seahawks (2.5)
On their way to Florida for the winter, the seahawks are sighted by Runs like the Wind, who immediately gathers the tribe. They sharpen arrowheads, mount horses and get to open ground. As they rain arrows upon the seahawks, the birds scatter and dive, scatter and dive, creating chaos amongst some of the younger members of the tribe. Then the birds begin to fall at an alarming rate. Many redskins hear the whizzing of thrown weapons and watch more birds fall. As they clear the field of carnage, the elders, who had been throwing these small axes, remind the braves: tomahawk kills seahawk. every time. (13)

Ravens vs. Jets (6.5)
The ravens are just crazy enough to do this: kamikaze runs. That’s right, with the promise of 40 bird virgins awaiting them in heaven, young raven recruits fly directly into the jet engines of the aeroplanes, causing severe malfunction, flame-outs, and crashes, resulting in no small loss of life. Yeesh. (12)

Falcons vs. Vikings (6.5)
The Vikings are not cowed by the giant trees of the forest, nor their avian denizens. As the falcons attack, they are thwarted by horned, armored helmets and great leather plate-mail. The Vikings turn on the Berserker rage, battle axes spinning, spears and javelins flying and soon the falcons are either tamed, fled, or dead. The norsemen collect feather trophies and return to their longboats. Falcon pie sure sounds good. (3)

Raiders vs. Cowboys (3.5)
A classic Halloween contest. Raiders have the edge because the cowboys are unfamiliar with the ship. Their repeating six-shooters are helpful, but the lassoes are useless in the face of pirate cutlasses, and the seeming everywhereness of the raiders. Swinging from rigging, jumping out from belowdecks, smacking cowboys with the yard-arm: the desperadoes are outplayed on the sea. (8)

Cardinals vs. 49ers (2.5)
The 49ers set up a few birdhouses and birdfeeders, with oh-so-yummy nectar. The redbirds alight and are hammered, hard by pick-axes. Most escape, but a few bird carcasses remain. The cardinals, angered by this sneaky sneak attack zoom in on thir grizzled foe, plucking some eyes and causing buzzing confusion. Out comes the dynamite, which sound bursts they tiny eardrums of all the cardinals, sending them into vertigo tailspins. Now there are a lot of bird carcasses. (2)

Panthers vs. Packers (7.5)
The packers try to lull the cats with big bowls of milk and then attack with the meathooks. It’s a valiant effort, but the panthers are too fast and strong. There is a lot of gore on this one, but it comes down to fear factor. Giant black cats leaping on you and mauling you with their attached teeth and claws? The packers who are able to keep hold of their hooks in the face of such terror fare a little better than their less fortunate comrades, but not much. The panthers eat well tonight. (1)


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